a case of the "shoulds"

how the things we want become tasks, then shame, then energy leaks

Jul 07, 2026

“Should” is a strange word. It can mean obligation, desire, social pressure, inherited expectation, moral judgment, self-protection, avoidance, fear, longing, resentment, or even aliveness.

It can mean: I should do the dishes. It can also mean: we should go camping.

One is a duty. One is a desire.

Most of the time, “should” does not arrive clearly labeled. It arrives with desire, shame, obligation, avoidance, frustration, and self-judgment all tangled up together until the origin is hard to see.

where the should came from

The usual advice is to “stop shoulding yourself,” and that is often good advice. Many shoulds are cages. They come from family systems, workplaces, industries, gender conditioning, capitalism, religious residue, productivity culture, the imagined court of public opinion, or the inner authority figure with terrible politics and a clipboard.

Those shoulds deserve suspicion.

But some shoulds are desires that got wrapped in shame.

There is a version of “should” that starts as a genuine want. A person wants to make something, go somewhere, change something, ask for something, try something, build something, rest more, move more, or create more space.

Then, something interrupts it. Fear interrupts it. Friction interrupts it. It requires more capacity than exists right now. It asks for a decision before it has been thought through.

Sometimes the desire raises a scarier question: what if I get what I want and I am still unhappy? Or what if I get what I want and there is actually nothing bigger after it? What if this is the peak? What if I am allowed to want this, and then I have to admit how long I have been waiting?

So the desire gets delayed, then avoided, then resented. Eventually it starts sounding less like “I want this” and more like “what is wrong with me that I have not done this yet?”

That is the moment desire becomes a task.

the swaddle of shame

Shame makes desire harder to recognize. It wraps around the original want like a swaddle. At first, that can feel protective. Shame gives the desire a reason to stay small, a reason not to ask too much, a reason not to risk disappointment.

Eventually the wrapping gets too tight. The desire cannot move, and the person cannot move either. What remains is the “should.”

I should write that down. I should make time for that. I should figure this out. I should care about this less. I should care about this more.

The should keeps tapping, but now every tap feels like an accusation.

William Blake wrote, “He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence.”

It is an intense sentence, but there is something useful in it. Unacted desire does not always stay clean and beautiful. Sometimes it ferments. Sometimes it grows mold. Sometimes it leaks into the rest of life as irritation, resentment, distraction, or self-disgust.

the roadblocks

There is a crushing fatigue that comes from keeping a desire suspended in midair.

First there is the desire itself. Then, sometimes the shame about wanting it. Then sometimes the shame about not doing it. Then sometimes the avoidance, because now thinking about the thing feels bad. Then sometimes the roadblocks built to avoid the bad feeling. Then sometimes the extra work of walking around the roadblocks.

At some point, not doing the thing becomes more labor than the thing. The dam has to be maintained. The leaks have to be patched.

This is how a desire becomes an energy leak.

desire is not always indulgence

There is an old Buddhist distinction between craving and wholesome desire. Craving is the hungry, sticky, compulsive kind of desire that says, if I get this, then I will finally be okay. But there is also chanda, often translated as intention, interest, aspiration, or desire-to-act.

That distinction matters because a lot of spiritual and self-help language treats desire as suspicious. Wanting something gets treated like the first sign of immaturity, as if to desire something is to admit that we are not already whole and perfect as we are.

Sometimes that is true. Sometimes desire is craving with better branding.

But sometimes desire is information. Sometimes a should is not trying to discipline anyone. Sometimes it is trying to remind them of who they really are.

the question underneath

Where is this “should” coming from?

Did it come from obligation? Did it come from fear? Did it come from a value? Did it come from a want? Did it come from shame about a want? Did the want become painful because it sat too long without action?

If the should came from inherited obligation, maybe the work is release. If it came from avoidance, maybe the work is gentleness. If it came from desire, maybe the work is not discipline at all.

Maybe the work is clearing a channel. Maybe the work is giving the vine a trellis. Maybe the work is one small action that lets the original want breathe again.

Offerings

the easier thing

When a desire has been wrapped in shame for long enough, acting on it can feel like surrendering to the shame. It can feel like letting the inner critic win.

But the desire was there first. The shame arrived later and claimed ownership.

Avoidance is labor. Shame is labor. Roadblock construction is labor. Self-surveillance is labor. Keeping a desire locked in a small room and pretending not to hear it knocking is labor.

Sometimes doing the thing takes less energy than continuing not to do it.

This does not mean every desire needs immediate action. Some desires need time, money, capacity, help, grief, a different season, or a better structure.

So before a should gets thrown out, obeyed, resisted, resented, or turned into another piece of evidence in the case against the self, it may be worth opening it.

There may be obligation inside. There may be fear. There may be someone else’s voice. There may also be a desire that has been waiting so long it forgot how to sound like one.

FYI: I also write For People and Planet, a weekly newsletter about climate solutions and the creativity driving them. If you’re curious, you can check it out here: forpeopleandpla.net