I accidentally infiltrated the manosphere

and found a philosophy I now live by in the last place I expected

Jun 13, 2026

One time, at 2am, I accidentally infiltrated the manosphere.

What happened was, I had just gone through a breakup and I was heartbroken and spite-Googling.

I wanted a revenge fantasy. Specifically: “how do I make him want me back so I can say ‘no thanks?’”

That search took me to YouTube. A few short videos later, suddenly I was watching men in fitted shirts talk about ‘outcome independence.’

You may be fortunate enough to have avoided this particular genre of YouTube content. But in case you do know what I’m talking about: ‘Abundance mindset.’ ‘Don’t chase.’ ‘Walk away.’ ‘Hold the frame.’

One of them boiled the whole thing down to six words, delivered with total seriousness (and, about half the time, a goatee): “hang out, have fun, hook up.”

I was fascinated. Like, at the time I would’ve told you I was anthropologically fascinated, sort of a “how do these people exist in the world??” fascination.

But of course, as often happens in the manosphere, the ideas started to rub off on me, except in this case ‘me’ was a young woman in her late 20s.

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The self-help content aimed at women often assumes the problem is disconnection. The dating content aimed at men often assumes the problem is attachment to an outcome.

Those are very different problems. I had the second problem, while being marketed the first solution.

The men in suits were essentially telling their audience: stop gripping the result. Be present. Enjoy what is in front of you. Let the other person choose.

The packaging was so gross that it almost went full circle into a delicious guilty pleasure. But, the teaching was shockingly useful.

Quickly, I moved from outcome independence to appreciating the fleeting beauty of my one precious life. Acknowledging that all relationships are temporary and I have the incredible opportunity to love people for as long as they are part of my life.

Years later

This came up again now, years later, because I am taking my 200 hour yoga teacher training class. The teacher read from the Bhagavad Gita.

You have a right to your actions, but not to the fruits of them.

I recognized it immediately.

Under all the bad packaging, this was the thing manosphere dating coaches had been circling with their “hang out, have fun, hook up,” ideas. ‘Abundance mindset.’ ‘Don’t chase.’ ‘Walk away.’ ‘Hold the frame.’ I could immediately see how the crude internet version had been circling one small piece of a much older teaching.

Two thousand years apart, one in Sanskrit and one in front of a podcast mic and a ring light, and they were talking about the same ideas.

After that I kept finding it everywhere.

Alan Watts approaches it with the backwards law: the more tightly you reach for something, the more it recedes.
Buddhism has upekkha, often translated as equanimity: releasing your grip on the outcome without releasing your care.
Joanna Macy teaches activists and climate workers a version of the same thing: do the work and let go of the result, because staying clenched around the result will burn you out before the work is done.

The 2am YouTube rabbit hole was maybe the worst packaging in which I could have found these ideas.

But, it was also realistically the only packaging I would have opened at 2am.

Near enemy

In Buddhist psychology, many virtues have a “near enemy.” A counterfeit that looks similar from the outside.

Equanimity has one too: indifference.

Real equanimity means you stop gripping the result while you keep caring about the person.

Indifference means you stay calm because you have decided the person does not matter.

From the outside, those can look the same: less chasing, less obsessing, less performing for approval.

Inside, they are opposites.

Those manosphere dating coaches unfortunately sell both. Some of them are teaching presence. Some of them are teaching contempt.

“She was never yours, it was just your turn” sounds like non-attachment if you squint. And, it is also a horrific way to talk about another human being.

So, just to be perfectly clear, this is a do as I say not as I do essay: I do not recommend to scroll the manosphere in your 2am rage-induced rabbit hole and I do not agree with many of the sentiments expressed by manosphere dating coaches.

How it changed my life

These ideas, in every face I have found them, have dramatically transformed my life.

The manosphere does not own this teaching. Neither do yoga teachers. The Gita gave me one sacred version of it. Buddhist equanimity, Alan Watts, and activist practice gave me other doorways into related ideas.

I think it moves through people. Sometimes through monasteries. Sometimes through mats. Sometimes through podcasts by men who might be horrified to learn they are passing it forward.

I found it at 2am because I wanted a man to want me back.

Maybe sometimes what we need finds us at just the right time, wherever we are. ❤️

Offerings

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