I have spent over a decade guiding people who hate negotiation through their first negotiations. And I’ve learned a lot in that process. I’m excited to share some of that hard-won knowledge with you today.
I find that one of the most common reasons people are hesitant negotiate is because they feel like they have to become someone they are not. People often think of negotiation as disagreement or conflict, but it doesn’t have to be that way. In fact, it shouldn’t be that way 99% of the time.
Movies and TV, especially when they center around high-powered men in suits, have made negotiation look like a battlefield: hard stares, raised voices, and someone eventually storming out of the room. But in fact, the entire point of a negotiation is to come to an agreement. So, these volatile models represent VERY POOR and INEFFECTIVE negotiation technique.
By far the fastest way to end up in an agreement at the end of your negotiation is to start in an agreement, stay in agreement, and then end in an agreement.
Note: I decided to record this as a YouTube video because I think hearing me explain it makes more sense. But it’s also written in case you prefer to read it 💖
You don’t have to start in disagreement
This is so important that it deserves to be its own point: you do not have to start in disagreement in order to end in agreement.
You can start with the places where you already agree, move through other areas where you already agree, and end up in a final agreement. In fact, this is the fastest, most effective way to move through a negotiation.
When you build from shared ground, the process becomes smoother, faster, and far less stressful. You’re creating momentum through cooperation instead of friction through opposition.
Empathy Is Your Most Important Tool
Empathy allows you to see the situation from the other person’s perspective, which is how you identify your levers.
Levers are the different factors in a negotiation. In movies, there’s usually only one lever: money. But that’s not real life. In real life, a negotiation has many possible levers.
If I were buying a piece of jewelry and negotiating with the jeweler, we could talk about price, but we could also talk about the timeline, the amount of customization, or how quickly it can be ready. These are all levers in the negotiation.
To set yourself up for success, use empathy (and casual conversation before the negotiation even begins) to:
Understand the levers.
Understand what negotiation looks like from their perspective.
Ask yourself: can they make this decision on their own, or will they need to get approval from someone else? Are they under pressure for timing, cost, or outcomes? Understanding these things will help you find openings where both sides can win.
This is a community of people thinking deeply and feeling a lot. You’re invited to be part of that. No pressure, just honesty.
Know Exactly What You Want
Once you’ve identified the levers, do the work to understand what you want for each one.
Let’s say you’re buying a used car. You might have an upper limit from your research, but also a range of what you’d be willing to pay in different circumstances, and some ideas for what you might offer.
Remember: negotiation isn’t always about paying the absolute minimum possible or optimizing one single lever until there’s nothing left. It’s about creating a good deal, and a good deal can contain many factors.
Sometimes those factors aren’t purely financial (and often they aren’t).
For example:
You might need a car quickly, so speed becomes more valuable to you than price.
You might find a cheaper car elsewhere but love this one more, so your enjoyment has value too.
How much you like the car, how fast you need it, and how much you’re willing to pay, all of these are levers. Knowing how you value each one helps you move through negotiation calmly and strategically.
Begin With Consent
This is the first real step of any negotiation: asking for consent.
I once learned this from a man who was flirting. He said, “Would it be okay if I flirt with you for a minute?”
It was such a small moment, but it stuck with me because:
It was confident and showed clear intention.
It established the first agreement in the interaction.
We had both agreed to flirt for a minute.
You can do the same thing in any negotiation. Try saying:
“Are you open to hearing an offer?”
“Is this negotiable?”
This establishes mutual participation from the start and creates the first agreement to start from.
Share Your Position Clearly
Now that you have consent, share your position and your thinking. Let the other person know what you’re considering, and invite them to work with you to find a solution that fits.
Importantly, you want to stick to levers that are solvable. Now is not the time to bring up a sob story about medical bankruptcy. You want to stick to the facts, for example “My budget is $x.”
You might say something like, “Here’s what I’m thinking about, maybe we can look together at what makes sense?”
The goal is not to push until you get your way or create guilt. It’s to invite the other person into a conversation about possibilities.
If they can’t move on one lever (say, price), maybe they can move on another: faster delivery, better terms, or an extra perk that makes it worthwhile.
See What Fits
Once you’ve heard what they can offer, look at your levers again. Where does it fit, and where doesn’t it?
If something doesn’t work, say so clearly and calmly:
“My budget for this is $___, so this price doesn’t fit.”
“I need this completed sooner, and that timeline won’t work.”
It doesn’t need to be dramatic, you’re simply stating facts.
Remember that you are the one who set your levers, and you can change them if you want to. Negotiation isn’t about being rigid; it’s about finding alignment. Try to ensure you are changing your position in response to new information, rather than in response to pressure from the other person or hesitance to share your authentic boundaries.
You can adjust as long as those changes are comfortable for you and in line with your values.
Make the Choice
After the conversation, you’ll arrive at a choice:
Do you both want to move forward with the deal, or not?
Both answers can be success.
A successful negotiation simply means ending in agreement. That agreement might be, “Yes, let’s do this,” or “No, this isn’t a fit.”
If your levers are incompatible, the correct choice, for both of you, is not to move forward. That’s still a successful negotiation because it ended in agreement.
Other times, you’ll discover overlap, find creative solutions, and decide to move forward with the deal. That’s success too.
I read every reply. You don’t need to say anything “profound”—just write what’s true for you. Hit ‘reply’ or send me a message below.
Negotiation is simply a conversation with the goal of finding alignment. It doesn’t require pushiness, clever tactics, or conflict.
It only requires empathy, clarity, and respect.
FYI: I’ve been putting together a weekly newsletter called For People and Planet. It’s where I share stories about climate solutions and the people working on them. If you’d like to read along, you can find it here: forpeopleandpla.net
Your inclusion of empathy is so astute. Thank you as always Bri!!! <3
Very good piece, I think.
I will add that in my experience many (most, I think) of the more difficult negotiations I have participated in were actually a combination of negotiation and active persuasion: trying to come to an agreement, but also trying to actively shift the counter-party's position, for example at Apple there situations where I wanted someone in management to change their mind about when or if a project was worth doing, where I knew that had expressed a certain position that I wanted to change, and the negotiation and persuasion happened at the same time. Another way of saying this was that some negotiations occur in a context where a pre-existing disagreement has been identified (sometimes quietly without a public statement.)